


How to Seduce a Mark

by Othalla



Category: Spy (2015)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Chaos, F/M, Rick Ford being Rick Ford, Susan Cooper is DONE, Undercover Missions, Unsuccessful Undercover Mission
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 13:22:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17044505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Othalla/pseuds/Othalla
Summary: Susan Cooper has a problem. His name is Rick Ford.





	How to Seduce a Mark

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kingstoken](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingstoken/gifts).



> Many thanks to Zwangzug for betaing!

“Oh dear,” Nancy says in Susan’s ear, using her  _oh shit the cookies are burning_ voice.

It’s not a good voice to hear in the middle of an operation, and Susan’s smile freezes unnaturally on her face. “What do you mean, oh dear?”

The bartender looks strangely at her and so she smiles harder at him. Fucking prick, thinking he’s hot shit with all his pec action on display for everyone to see. Susan could deck him any day of the week.

Nancy coughs awkwardly. “Trouble incoming. Uh, wearing purple at seven o’clock.”

Susan turns around, daring to hope it’s a false alarm. Her eyes catch a flash of violet and nope, that’s not good.  _Fuck_.

Susan has many problems, but one particularly insistent one has a name and it’s Rick Fucking Ford. He’s often a problem of hers, but right this very moment it’s because he’s here and not anywhere else in the galaxy, because  _of course he is._

He’s dressed in a suit that looks like it’s pulled straight from the eighties, wearing a wig that’s just about as terrible (even a blind person wouldn’t believe that was real hair on his head, Jesus), and he’s literally crashing Susan’s meticulously planned operation and she’s  _not having it_.

She pushes herself out of the barstool she’s sitting on, leaving her drink undrunk on the counter. It doesn’t taste all that great, so she might as well. The suckiest fucking mojito in the states is of course found in the place where it costs as much as five of them would anywhere else. Fucking rich people. No taste, she swears to god.

She stalks up to Ford and stops in front of him.

“Leave,” she says as quietly as she can, deadly serious and ready to prove it. She has a knife strapped to her thigh all secret agent like. She’s not afraid to use it.

Rick blinks stupidly. “What do you mean  _leave_ , I just got here!” he half-shouts after a confused second and waves his arms, uncaring of the fact that he’s in the middle of a fancy restaurant and that everyone’s staring at him. God, he’s so embarrassing. Why is she dating him? Times like this she honestly doesn’t know.

“Yes,” Susan says with a glare. “That’s the problem. You shouldn’t  _be here_.”

Rick frowns.  _Stupidly_.

“Well, why the fuck not?” he asks, like she hadn’t broken several confidentiality agreement things last night to tell him exactly why the fuck not. Why she even tried in the first place is a mystery, but here they are.

Susan grinds her teeth, she can’t help herself. Then she feels something tightly wound inside her snap, and she says through gritted teeth: “Because this is a fucking undercover operation and I’m supposed to seduce a mark! Not babysit you!”

Rick frowns. “But you’re my woman,” he argues.

“No, I’m an  _agent_  and I have a job to do.”

“But you’re my woman. You can’t be on a date without me!”

Susan stomps her foot in frustration. “I’m not on a date, you stupid  _idiot_  of a man, I’m  _working_. Do you think I’d ever go on a date in a place like this willingly?” She gestures at the fancy uncomfortable chairs and the tiny pieces of fancy food put on fancy plates that look like they were made in a dark cellar. “I fucking think not. Christ.”

“Are you being coerced into going here on a date?” Rick shouts askance, immediately moving to the worst explanation he can find. His face is red, almost like that creepy Thanatos guy in the superhero films. Which means someone in the Face Off Machine fucked up by listening to Rick’s crazy ideas and gave him a non-real face. Oh joy.

He looks around the restaurant as if trying to identify someone to blame.

The couple standing nearest Susan, obviously waiting on a server to come and find them a place inside this perfectly packed establishment, edge away uneasily.

Susan sneers at them. Then she turns the expression on Rick. She’s just about to tear into him when Nancy interrupts her by laughing nervously.

“Oh dear. Uh, I think that’s your date stepping through the door. Perfectly on time, how lovely. You have to appreciate punctuality in this time and age, I think.”

“So you  _are_ on a date!” Rick says and points at her accusingly, because somehow he has super hearing and is able to pick up on Nancy’s tiny voice in Susan’s ear. Then he looks to the entrance and spots a middle-aged woman wearing a much more attractive shade of purple than he is. He moves his pointing to her. “Is she the one? I’m prettier.”

Susan grabs his arm and pulls it down to point at the floor. “Don’t just go pointing at people, you’re drawing attention to yourself,” she hisses at him and tries to smile winningly at the woman.

The woman raises her eyebrows, not looking very impressed at all.

_Fuck._ And Susan had worked so hard to get this opportunity, too. She’d even dressed nicely in uncomfortable clothes.

“I think I’m allowed to point at people if they’re your date, considering I tapped this first,” Rick says and pats her on her ass, completely ignoring the collapse of Susan’s entire night, and she just can’t  _deal_.

“She’s  _not my date_ ,” she says and grabs him by his stupid yellow tie to pull him down to her level, so she can properly chew him out to his face. “I’m here to bloody seduce her so I can get access to her laundering business! Jesus Baby Christ, why is this my life. Why do I even sleep with you? You’re terrible.”

“No, I’m not,” Rick says. “You love my dick, you said so yourself last night.”

Susan kicks him in the shin. “I should get a mold of it so it doesn’t have to come attached to you, that’s what I should do,” she says. Then she looks around, because the restaurant just got very quiet, and not in the  _super impressed by her_  kind of way. “What the fuck are you shitheads staring – “

Susan slaps the gun pointed to her head away before she kicks the dude who held it in between his legs. He collapses on the floor, wheezing.

“The fuck bro, can’t you see I’m in the middle of a conversation here? Fucking rude, that’s what you are. Pointing guns at people out of nowhere, the nerve.” She kicks him again in his stomach, making the point clear.

“I think you should put your hands above your head, darling,” a woman says calmly from behind Susan. “Or I think I’ll shoot your boytoy.”

Susan turns around, and, yep, that’s the mark of the night holding a gun to Rick’s head. Fucking perfect.

“First of all, he’s older than me, so I resent the boytoy comment. Also, he just ruined my night, so I don’t really care what you do to him right now. Just don’t get any shit on my shoes and we’re cool.”

The woman blinks, clearly not expecting that. Which is weird, considering Susan knows well enough their tirade had been heard by everyone in a quarter mile radius.

“I see,” the woman says. “I guess I might as well, then. I have little use for men, I find.” She turns her eyes to Rick and Susan sees the finger on the trigger twitch slightly. That’s all it manages to do, though, before Susan grabs a plate off the nearest table and throws it at the woman. It hits her square in the face with a satisfying thump.

“Aha!” Rick shouts and he throws himself into the resulting havoc, pulling out a gun from his crotch area.  _God he’s so gross_. “So you do love me!”

“I love your dick, the rest I could do without,” Susan mutters as she throws the woman over her shoulder and takes off for the door. “Take care of this shit, would you?”

“I could do this in my sleep. Once I took down an entire ninja squad in my sleep while having my arms tied to my bed, this is nothing.” Rick hurls himself under a table to lift it up from beneath, pushing it into the two people standing behind it and making them fall to the floor, trapped beneath it and Rick.

Susan sighs. “Yeah, whatever.” It’s not the first time Rick’s said something along those lines.

Susan contemplates the craptastic situation for a moment before she decides on a plan. “Hey, Nance. I’m going to hand you over to Rick now and get the hell out of here. I can’t be assed anymore.”

Nancy makes a sound not unlike a horse, but Susan doesn’t give her any time to collect herself.

“I’ll see you back at HQ,” she calls to Rick and pulls the earphone out of her ear to throw it at him. Rick catches it with one hand and gives her a thumbs up with the other. Susan pushes the door open with the woman’s head, none too gentle. “And be nice to Nancy, or I’ll cut your balls off.”

Rick ignores her completely in favor of literally throwing himself at a guy.

Susan decides that she’ll leave him to it, and takes off.

 


End file.
